Live for the moment, Love for today.
How often are you caught up in all the details of tomorrow, that you forget to live life today?
I witness all of you beautiful beings trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that feels good; you start with the edges aligning the frame of what you think life should look like; yet in doing so you’re limiting your possibility to calling in all the things your Soul desires for your life to be.
When you decide that life needs to look a certain way, you cancel out all other possibilities of intention. You create a structure that keeps you in a box, and doesn’t allow you to see the infinite possibilities of how life can be. In creating the outline of your puzzle first, you cancel out potential growth and opportunities that you’ve been seeking.
What if you stepped back and started filling in the puzzle pieces of your life from where you are now? Starting in the middle and filling them in as you go allows the energy of expansion to flow. All of a sudden life becomes more vibrant and ‘alive’. You look around in curiousity rather than determining your life.
Just because the puzzle seems to look a certain way, doesn’t mean the whole entire picture can’t change. I know you’ve been looking at the same image and outline and have been feeling stuck. I also know you think that you just can’t transform certain situations or aspects in your life because of this perspective rut. Though in some physical circumstances, this may be ‘true’ (I use the word true lightly because in Divine Truth you are always apart of the field of expansive possibility), though what if you shifted your perspective about how you view your life and sit in the question and possibility of how it can change?
What is one small action I can take to align my life to one that I love today?
What is one small thing that I can do for me that feels the most Divinely True?
What can I do to be here, in this moment, feeling connected and vibrantly bright?
How can I transform my current situation to see it in a new light?
I know some of you are on a rocket that’s taking off and you’re loving the ride, but for those of you that are not;
How are you controlling your life?
What are you doing that keeps the rigidity alive?
What is the fear surrounding living your best life?
In Truth, you are always in a dance with the Divine. Though for true partnership to flow you must trust the person that’s aligning to you. If you are worried about stepping on toes, or constantly taking over the lead, you create a current of unbalanced energy. When you surrender to the Truth of your Life, you co-create the choreography and elegantly move without having to think twice. You stride across the dance floor, flowing with ease and grace as you understand that by surrendering to your partner, that your life will change.
I am asking to stop side stepping on the dance floor and creating a box that you feel you can’t get out of. Often you just have to pause and stop, take a breath and come back to it. By pausing to check in with your heart and with your soul, you allow yourself to remember the steps and intuitively know exactly where you need to go.
I come forward with the request to call you back into your life. I ask that you call yourself back into the here and now, so you can amplify the good bits in your life.
As the Divine Healer, I work alongside the Creator of your Divine Soul’s plan (the truth of ‘you’) and align your energetics to the deepening of your intention. Living a life well lived is in the core of your soul’s request, though this well lived life doesn’t start tomorrow it starts today.
Yes I hear you say, “Well I’m here; am I not living Archangel Raphael?” And I would have to say:
In Truth; do you feel you are living? In Truth, do you feel your life has been well lived thus far?
I have to ask; Is putting off your life worth it? Do you feel more ready today to take action, rather than yesterday? Do you feel tired with your stories and excuses and looking around for examples of how other people are ‘living their life’ and putting yourself down?
Do you feel yourself on a journey towards your Divine Excellence in the most beautiful vibrant way?
If it’s no, then I ask that you get curious as to how that may change.
When I speak of Divine Excellence, I do not speak of perfection, I do not speak of a life that’s laid out in a magazine of how this life has to look like; I speak of the love radiating within you. I speak of your Divine Truth emerging as You. I speak of the delight that lives inside that is waiting to be felt again and seen. I speak of all the wondrous possibilities your life can be, if you choose to live it. Your life is your choice and I am here for you.
Divine timing is waiting for you, not the other way around.
So what are you waiting for?
It’s time to take that leap, to soar, to do what you have to do today to change the circumstances in your life that you do not like. It’s time to clean up the mess your beliefs have made and choose this life today.
Get support, move your body, fuel yourself with nourishing food. Tea date the heck out of your relationships and choose to feel alive and bright; regardless of how the world currently looks around you.
This is your life. It’s your permission, choice and action that’s going to change it. I ask that you stop looking away, and look towards it. I promise you that it’ll be worth is, since you’re worth every vibratory cell of your being. You are magnificent, and bright and a divine light that the world needs to see.
The question is;
Will you choose to see it and do anything about it?”
It was such an honour to bring forward Archangel Raphael’s message. His message is so potent and powerful as I know there is a mass calling for change. The fact that you’re even reaching out to the angels and connecting in with their energy shows just how ready you are.
You’ve got this, you’re amazing and you are every bit worth it.
Have a beautiful day!
The Divine Mother
My heart is yours as we dance within the night’s sky, softly and gently twirling around the stars; basking in the rays of the moon. The sun so graciously gifts us its light for all the world to see.
Together we twist and turn with every breath; dancing as one; side by side.
Our hearts beat together as I breathe you in, I feel your essence alive.
You have never left me alone, not even once,even when I’ve forgotten you.
Your humble heart radiates out, as a request for us to rediscover the path that leads right back to you.
Your gifts are gracious and grand, your generousity high, and you give and give without reprimand.
You are soft and supple, yet fiercely divine; the essence of the Divine Feminine.
You call us into our hearts through a stream of Divine Love and remind us of our Truth. You remind us of our own compassionate heart; mirroring back in the reflection of the waters that run through you.
Our barriers break down and soften in, as do our spirits fly.
You call us back in to the Truth of who we are, remembering we’re alive.
Thank you Beautiful Gaia for all that you do.
I am ever so grateful to you.
A little reminder for today: It’s time for us to clear our judgement and check into our hearts.
I’m no stranger to the judgement game, I’ve spent a lot of my adult life being mindful to move from gossiping about other people and am still shifting my own comparisons towards others and judging myself.
Once we shift our conversation into our hearts, we can’t help but share from a space of compassion and love. Often it’s when we’re hurting the most that we want to hurt others and don’t quite see how judgement can facilitate this.
I still remember the moment that my marble jar shattered (Brene Brown). I was “confiding” in a friend and dishing out my judgements about one of our mutual friends. Both of us were chiming in about this person under the err of “concern”. We said our peace, parted ways and I went back to my day.
It was probably a few weeks after this conversation happened when things started to get really rocky in our friendship. In a moment of hurt and what felt like years of resentment that finally freed within her, I received an unexpected email that bitch slapped me so hard it took my breath away. I was being called out, in every form imaginable and on top of it, it included allll the things that both of them had discussed about me.
I felt blindsided and hurt that this person I confided in and talked to about my “thoughts and feelings” had told my friend what I had said, AND not only that, I found out the two of them had been talking about me the whole time too.
It felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest and that my world was crashing down. The nice girl scheme I had going on was bust, so on top of losing what I thought were two really good friends, my ego was nicely bruised and I felt sick to my stomach that not only had someone found out what I said behind closed doors but that I actually hurt someone I loved.
I had disguised the fact that I was gossiping because I masked it in concern for the other person, when in reality I was dishing out things that I never wanted to be heard, repeated or said. It was a great opportunity for me to see how I actually connected with other females, and thought that this cattiness made me relatable.
I thought if I made it about others, then people wouldn’t see the real me, yet at the end of the day, I was always being seen and not only that, I felt mean.
I was grateful that this opportunity came in my early 20’s because I was able to deal with my side of the tracks and change how I showed up. I have hurt people in my life, through my actions, my words and my misaligned and misdirected power/intentions. I have to take responsibility and even though those friendships have never recovered, I was able to make a living amends and shift how I show up in the world and to others.
This judgement and gossip had only created more pain in the lives of those I loved and didn’t help anyone with anything. All of us try the best we can with what we have, so to find out someone you trusted feels like you’re failing at life AND has been spreading that message around town, is a pretty hard blow to take.
My learning from this was that other people’s actions and lives have nothing to do with me. Even if there’s a situation that I am involved with, I still look at my own triggers and pain that came up from their actions and dealing with it, rather than gossiping about them to others. Once I have dealt with my side of the tracks, if there’s space, I ask for things to be approached differently next time.
I often see this behaviour happen in the plane, watching others like my own behavioural study. How different people reacted under the same circumstances, and how cruel others can be when they project their own thoughts and feelings onto others and how they can take a non personal thing personally. I have often witnessed people judging others for how they’re choosing to live their lives, as if it has anything to do with them. If you follow their judgement down to the root, you will see that it stems from a belief system about either how they view themselves or how don’t want to be seen (with many more possibilities inbetween).
For me, it’s plain and simple, it’s not up to me to judge your life. We all have a story, we’re all trying to evolve and change and grow. We all have moments where we fail and we all have moments of triumph and celebration. Everyone I have met has their own pain; they come backed with their own life story and if you took the time to connect with them, you might learn something and see them differently.
The more I get to know people, the more my compassionate heart expands. I have seen so many people turn their pain into Divine Power and amplify change not only within themselves but within others. Humans are incredible and we need to get to know one another on a personal level.
So next time you find yourself and someone else in the judgement game of: “Can you believe they did that? Who do they think they are.” “OMG Look at what they’re eating! They’re disgusting!” “Can you believe they went out of the house looking like that” or even the subtle ways: “All the changes their making are never going to stick” “They’ve changed so much, I’m concerned about them.” “They’re so lucky, life is so easy for them.”
Give yourself permission to turn and walk away, or say something that will dispel the chain of gossip that will stop it right there in its place.
I often come back to my tried and true Serenity Prayer and thanking the Angels and Guides for showing me the truth underneath my judgements so I can transform them internally.
Thank you for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for the patience with the changes that take time, an appreciation for all that I have, tolerance and compassion for those with different struggles and the strength to get up and try again,
One day at a time. “
“Thank you angels for supporting me to free myself from the need to gossip about others and let go of any and all judgements that I have placed upon them. Thank you for reconnecting me to my heart so I can realign to my most vibrant self as I fall deeper in love with me. Thank you for increasing my capacity for divine compassion and love to the highest level of vibrancy that is best for me. Thank you for showing me the beauty in other, see their value ask I ask to see my own. Thank you for helping me let go, forgive and move forward with ease, love and speed as I move into this next level of my being. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.”
P.S. The angels requested I add this in: If you are currently in a situation and are looking for support from a friend, you can say “This is what’s going on with ______ and myself, this is what I am having a hard time with. What are your thoughts?”
This way you are not ignoring the situation or making the other person wrong for their part within it. You are empowering yourself to reflect on what YOU need and make any necessary changes from there.
How do you ride the wave?
We have unexpected ups a downs in life. It’s a certainty that they’ll happen; it’s just up to us to determine how we ebb and flow with them.
Last week I was away on a pairing and my first day in, I somehow dropped my phone when I got off the plane in Punta Cana. Now up to this point, I overrode a lot of the little nudges from my guides that in hindsight would have helped to bring it home (or maybe not even lose it at all)
1) I was sick and wanted to book off, though made it about the money and showed up anyways. (fear base)
2) I saw my phone on the aircraft and thought that I should turn it off airplane mode, though didn’t listen for whatever reason which then made it untraceable.
3) I dropped my coat at the bottom of the steps on the tarmac and saw my phone fall out of my coat. I picked it up and thought I put it in my pocket, though didn’t pay full attention to if I actually did or not.
It was when I got on the crew bus that I discovered that my phone was not with me and quickly ran back into the airport to find it, yet it was nowhere to be seen.
I was overcome with grief because I had not backed up my phone and there went my contacts, my pictures of my travels including my 3 week holiday in Maui and all the other bits and bobs that I had saved in my phone, that really supported me.
I instantly felt sick to my stomach and at a loss for time (since I didn’t have a watch or anything else) and there were so many layers of grief that were coming up for me.
This little device that made my life so much easier, the simplest things that I took for granted. Knowing what time is was, being able to stay in touch with the rest of the world, capturing my world with the camera and revisiting my memories with my photos, the app which makes going through customs easier on the ground, having my boarding pass on my phone, listening to music and meditations and having my apps with my oracle cards to support me with ease. Not to mention a little thing called google maps that helps me to explore new areas with a sense of security knowing where I am at all times.
I put it out to the Universe that I would love for my phone to come back home, yet it still hasn’t found its way back to me and instead of surrendering I went into victim mode about how other people get miracles all the time but me. I blamed myself for not listening to my guidance and was really angry with myself. I was angry about all the stories that I had heard about lost items magically showing up without people knowing how, I was angry that this wasn’t me. I felt like a child throwing a tantrum in moments that it hit home for me. Very suiting to a 32 year old woman!
Luckily I was able to hop into gratitude and in between the moments of sulking, plus I was more curious than anything. What was the reason for this to happen? What am I being shown? How can I switch into gratitude and feel supported?
I spent 7 days across the globe without a phone and noticed all the ways I was supported. I am beyond grateful that I had an amazing crew by my side; even on my first day, one of my crew members lent me her watch and she had also asked my other crew members to call or knock on my door in the morning to wake me up… seriously, I work with some amazing people. The moments of stress around my business diminished as I was able to use computers in the hotels we went to. Everything I felt I needed to get done I was able to, just with a bit more exploring. I think it was also the first time I’ve asked for a map to go out in a city that I haven’t been to for a while. I had to ask people for directions in the street and felt like I was re-engaging with the world around me. I read a ton of books, and had plenty of time to work within my Akashic Records to really see all of the belief systems that were coming up to be released.
As much as I went through layers of grief (and am still holding onto a miracle that my Maui pics will be returned to me), life goes on and I have to too.
Now this to other people can be such a silly stupid thing to write about, when “there are bigger issues out there Richelle”, though this was a really big one to me.
It’s a way I get to communicate and engage with the world and not having it really showed me how much lately that I have wanted to hide behind that screen. It was another layer of seeing the excuses I make for my introverted self to say, “see this is why I can’t do this”, when in reality I just didn’t want to be seen.
Being seen and feeling safe has never been a stellar combo for me in the past. The less inconspicuous I am, the safer I am was my belief. At one point in my life that served me well, but now? Not at all. If anything it’s holding me back from sharing my gifts and saying Hi to the world.
Our learnings can come in beautiful packages wrapped and dressed up with a delicate trim, or through a boulder that comes crashing through the doorway, taking you out along the way. One may feel more pleasant, though can often go overlooked. While we don’t always get to choose how our lessons look or even know what’s around the corner to come, we do get to decide how we show up to them. When you see the wave forming in the ocean before you, do you opt to ride the wave or turn your back towards it and have it take you out?
Regardless of your choice, the wave will still be there. It’s up to you to decide exactly what you’re going to do.
All I know is this was that boulder moment for me, and I could no longer avoid looking at my excuses and all that’s come forward from this experience to be seen.
I had just gotten off my flight and was in the cue to go through customs in Cuba. As I stepped into the cubicle, the customs agent greeted me with with a big smile then asked if I was Brazilian. When I said no we both laughed and there was this beautiful spark of connection. I felt called to look up after handing her my passport only to see 22:44 across the room as the current time. I think my smile increased 10 fold as I noticed how amazing life can be through all these little moments we get to savour.
This moment could have so easily been forgotten about, yet it stuck with me. On the bus drive to the resort, I was thinking about how prominent these signs have been for me lately. So as I always do, I sat with my guides and here’s the message that came through;
“Everyone thinks that the ‘Angel numbers’ or numerical sequences that we bring forward come in with a message and often we do use these as a channel to bring messages through, though in Truth: when you see these messages, you’re actually being brought into the present moment and tapping into the delight and gifts that the world around you brings. When you shift from living in the past or far off in the future, you get to savour the now. The now is the present where all the magic happens. It’s within those minuscule moments of delight that only you seem to notice and make you smile. So when you’re on detective duty for “Angel Numbers” and numerical sequences you are spending time in the present. Their presence can pull you back into your body and into this life. Often people think they’re cute little ways we say I love you, though in truth they’re there as a gift for you to be present with you. This is the greatest way to feel like life is working for you”
The opportunities that bring us back to the ‘now’ are constantly around us. I know for me, when I was growing up music was my vice, and the power of a song could bring me to my knees and allow all of the emotions that I was holding onto release. It was my permission to stop avoiding what I felt I couldn’t explain and just let go. Music brought me back my present self, to honour where I was at and check into my heart that was feeling and beating to the presence of my divinity and all the heartache that was welling up inside of me.
Even when I reminisce about ‘the good ol’ days’, the moments that come in for me are when I was experiencing life around me. The savouring of each moment, connected to the vibrancy of the world and relishing in its delight. These moments when we forget to distract ourselves and tap into the beauty of everything that is currently taking place. The connection and experiences with others; the moment we witness around us; the senses that activate when we’re aware of them; all bring you here. We often think these moments are fleeting and not available to us every day, yet when you choose to be present and look around, life will meet you there and that’s something to celebrate.
So next time you see those numbers brightly coming forward for you, also take note to all the other beautiful moments around you and savour them in gratitude. Step into your life here and now and watch how the world around you shifts to take place, it will amaze you.
I am where I am. What I’m living is.
Improving our energy, improves our life down the road. What’s manifesting now, must manifest now because of the result of how you flowed earlier.
I flowed it so now I am living it.
If I flowed it, and I am irritated how I am living it, then I need to stand in the middle of what is and find a way to feel different about what is now.
What will be will change.”
~ Abraham Hicks
One of the biggest asks I have from my clients is for tools and techniques that will help them shift their mindset more rapidly.
What I am surprised with is the multitude of ways the guides suggest just how we can shift our thoughts, emotional and attitude, so if we reaaaally don’t want to sit down and meditate, there are plenty of other options.
Try these on for size next time the willy nilly negative feels come up and see what fits best for you. You might stick with one tried and true practice or play around.
***I also like to a do a check in with myself throughout the day, so I can catch something emerging early on and ‘deal with it’ right away.
~ Look at Cute Animal Videos or Baby Animal Pics
For reals though… after a few moments of scrolling through, I can’t help but feel delighted.
~ Focus on your Breath
Bring your attention to the natural rise and fall and your breath and feel it come into the body and release, you will feel yourself drop into your body and come back to a place of peace.
~ Ask your Angels for Support
“Thank you angels and guides for showing me what I need to know and letting go of anything and everything that no longer serves me. Thank you for helping me return to a place of peace within my heart and surrender my monkey mind so I can realign to the truth of who I am and make a different choice”
I have seriously laid in bed and repeated over and over, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender” and find that it helps me every time.
Write it out. It will help you shift the energy from keeping it all in your head and having an output to write your thoughts in. It will clear up everything that’s been taking space and honour the parts of you that feel scared and want to be heard.
~ Listen to Music or Inspirational Talks
By putting on some of your favourite tunes and getting out of your head, it allows you to shift your vibration more quickly and with ease. Have you ever noticed if you’re really stuck in something the quiet that seems to be around it? You give yourself permission to process through it in a happy way, rather than the serious route it has been taking
~ Dance it out
This normally follows the music piece, though if I am really anchored in, I will force myself to get up and maybe start swaying and from there something seems to move and I will find myself having a full on dance party for one in my living room. To be honest, this one is sometimes hard for me since the seriousness of my belief patterns don’t like to have a full on party. Moving your body in general will help you move through the energies so if the gym or yoga is more your style, do what feels right for you.
~ Get Support
Can anyone say Akashic Record Party?
When I am really stuck in something and I find whatever I am trying isn’t working, I reach out to a friend or book myself in for a session. In truth I know that I am often too close to my really deeply embedded ‘stuff’ and need the support of someone else to help me through it. Whether you see a counsellor, get a massage or go to another type of therapy. Set an intention that you are giving yourself permission to work through it with ease, love and grace and show up. You’re worth it.
Plus I sometimes have to laugh at myself for how ‘in something’ I am, then 20 mins later am laughing and feeling like it was yesterday. Pretty phenomenal stuff.
~ Essential Oils and Smudging
Oils are made from the essence of plants and carry a high vibrational energy. I love to diffuse different scents depending upon my mood. Lavendar is great for relaxation and calm. Citrusy scents help elevate your moods and lighten up the spirit. Woodsy scents (fir is my absolute fav.) bring a source of comfort and warmth and Frankincense is a great overall wellness boost.
If you feel you need a bit more density to clear the energy smudging will be your best friend. Anytime I turn to my Palo Santo, I feel immediately cleansed and cleared out. Sage used to be my go to, though Palo Santo has taken center stage lately for me. Choose what you’e drawn to and which scent smells amazing. Your body knows what you need and neither one is better than the other, all plants are sacred and offer healing.
~ Go Outside and Play
Nature is a natural healer 😉. When you get yourself outside and into an open air environment it almost gives you more room to breathe. If being in a busy public space isn’t very endearing, then go sit amongst the trees. You an always find a little bit of nature, even in a concrete jungle. The plants and trees offer a love of love and support as do pigeons if you’re willing to see it.
Do you have a tried and true practice that always supports you?
I would love to know what it is and add it to my own roster.
Have a beautiful day!
Following your intuition can be a tricky game, at times you are a full on YES YES YES and in flow and in the know. Each turns feels magical and easy and as though you are walking on clouds. Then you take a turn and follow through and it doesn’t make sense to you.
You start questioning yourself, and doubting the internal push within.
I often find myself in doubt of my intuition when I am not feeling happy and joyful, as if my intuition should lead me to a place of constant happiness. Yet time and time again, I am always supported with what I need and sometimes it’s time to take the space and stay with my emotions and check into my needs.
When I landed in Maui I felt so at peace. I was greeting by my beautiful friend Lindsay who made me feel instantly at home and connected to the Spirit of Maui. We had vibrant and bright conversations that connected my heart to my soul and aligned me to feeling this incredible ease.
When my family arrived, it was another amazing shift. It was fun to explore new areas together and deepen our connection. I loved being able to get there a a few days early so I could make their entrance easier. So when I was guided to stay 3 extra days, there was no doubt in my heart. I mean, what other magic was waiting for me to see and could delight my heart in ways beyond belief?
A heavy sorrow and feelings of intense grief.
As I said goodbye to my family and was driving to my AirBnB, I couldn’t help but feeling something was missing inside of me. The weather was changing to boot with flash flood warnings as though it was imitating my mood.
I had this image of an awesome retreat up in the jungle with space for me to nestle in with a ton of food to nourish my body and settle into my new groove, content as can be. Yet when I arrived the emotional turmoil flash flooded over me.
Nestled and freezing in my room up above, I felt lost and in a massive amount of doubt that this could be possibly guided for me. Why after spending 2 weeks in bliss must I come crashing down? My heart felt heavy and I was regretting my choice not to leave with the rest of the family.
I snuggled up in bed nursing my cold, watching netflix and craving a warm cuppa tea. (The stove in the kitchen was out of propane, so feeling even more like the comfort was stripped away from me). After reaching out to a friend to request support, I found myself with an early bedtime with the rain and thunder pounding in my heart. Though this house was beautiful, it felt oddly cold and not quite as open as was advertised and as I’d hoped. I’m in a paradise jungle in the quaint area of Haiku, and on a massive 2 acre property that is beautiful too. Yet there’s a part of me that feels that this is so far home, from where I want to be. The part of me that dreamt of escaping on another solo adventure, when I either want to run away and have an urge to see the world, now feels complete.
I want people that I love to be around me. I want to enjoy my journey and experience it with others by my side. It’s become so clear to me now just how important connection and co-creation is.
When I venture off my my own, I want to feel welcome and at home, even if there’s no one around. I want to easily connect with others wherever I go and make deep and meaningful relationships along side. My intention has deepended and changed and I was gifted the opportuinty to see it this way.
Mama Maui has been constantly gifting me the most magnificent days, I think it’s time I start to truly shift how I feel and look at emotions and honour the ebb and flow of each day.
In honour to the beautiful place I chose to end this journey in; I write a Haiku in honour to you,
Presence of Today
My Heart is Open to You
This week I’ve been feeling like I’ve been dancing through realms.
One minute I am up, the next I am down; holding it together to just make it to the car to curl up sobbing with an uncontrollable rage.
I honour this process as I know it’s honouring the parts of me that are triggered and cranky. The parts of me that are looking at my past experiences and fearing they are going to merge into my present. At the drop of a dime, it all floods back in and I am left sitting and crying and putting together the pieces of the puzzle that fell apart.
Though the puzzle never fell apart to being with.
I’m just being offered a new perspective. I’m being shown that the pieces never fit together in the first place and I get to discard them and go out and find the ones that fit.
You see, I have been entered into a back to work program and I feel rushed and pushed through pain that I can barely stand. As someone who has had quite the journey with physical ailments over her life, you’d think I could ‘grin and bare it’ and show up positive and happy.
Though I am worn down, I feel pushed against my natural healing process and quite frankly my teenage rebel is showing up and saying a good ol’ fuck you to the system. I want to do it MY WAY. I don’t want to be commanded and demanded and told what to do.
In addition, my body holds onto the treasures of my soul I don’t want to process or deal with. So when I don’t do my emotional work, she takes it on. It will pop up in stiff muscles, tense shoulders, a gimpy knee or a twisted ankle and leaves my digestive tract a mess. During my recovery, I show up to all the holistic practices to bring her back to health. Though there are two things I haven’t done consistently up to date: exercise and preventive measures.
Ever since I was a kid, I haaated exercise. Don’t get me wrong, I loved playing volleyball and basketball and I could swim for days. Though when it came to doing laps and lanes, drills and sprints I couldn’t stand it. I never felt encouraged to do better or be better, I felt it was demanded of me and if I didn’t show up then I was letting other people down. I never felt encouraged in reaching my personal best, I felt compared and shamed when I didn’t stack up to the other members on my team. We all knew the slow ones were benched.
So anytime I enter a gym, I override my emotional scale. It’s like I’ve stepped through the wardrobe to Narnia and I’m in survival mode. I’m pacing back and forth, focusing mentally on what I have to do and push through. The voices of my coaches start popping up in head and I get stuck in the zone. “Suck it up buttercup! You can do better than that!” “Push yourself!” “One more lap, one more rep, I don’t care if you’re tired, do it!” “Crying won’t get you anywhere!”
I enter a state of pure primal exertion. Doing anything to override the little girl within who is hurting and wants to cry. Yet the teenager doesn’t want to appear weak, she doesn’t want to be judged so she hides it all inside. Pushing, pacing, fighting back that which wants to emerge.
The difference between ‘her’ and me, is that I now know that I need to process this emotion so it shows up as soon as I leave the gym. Yet the learning curve is that I shouldn’t have to shut down this part of myself in this environment. Heck, every yoga teacher I know celebrates it when their students have emotional releases; yet I don’t give myself permission to go there. I gulp it down, hold it back and walk it off.
If I don’t transform this, I will injure myself again. Plain and simple. It’s the behavioural pattern I have run ever since I was a child. I spent more time on crutches than off during my senior years in high school and have no desire to go back there.
So I need to do the emotional work and I need to do it now.
I’m not bringing this forward with a simple step process of how I am working through it. Mainly right now, my process consists of breaking down crying, uncovering what’s beneath this anger and fear and going from there.
I emerge each time feeling lighter and brighter, then it hits again like another tsunami taking everything out of it’s way. Yet this time I get to ride the surf and stay on top; breathing, honouring and releasing. It’s a process. One that I know will pass and one that needs to be honoured now. It’s the dance between the shadows and the light. Constantly shifting, changing and growing. I am never pulled back in, it’s always in forward momentum. Lighting me up and aligning to what I am here to do.
I know more than anyone that we can’t have one without the other.
So why not find beauty in the parts that are hiding too.
P.S. The image I chose is the view from my bedroom tonight. I was thinking about the shadows within the light and walked into my room only to have my breath taken away from the sparkling light cast between the city and clouds. I love my Angels, they always know how to delight me.
Sometimes we spark inspiration in someone without even knowing it.
2pac did this for me.
Music was my vice when I was growing up and at an early age I was already belting out my favourite songs. I remember spending hours waiting to press record at that perfect moment when my jam came on the radio. I patiently listened with intent to every song and quickly ran to the bathroom during ads not to miss a beat. This was heaven on earth for me; I loved it.
So in the moments when growing up felt overwhelming; I would lose myself in my favourite songs. The lyrics and beats that spoke to my heart felt like permission to let go. At times I couldn’t even articulate what I was feeling or process the emotions that were there. That’s where this magnificent man came in. Recently he’s shown up in a different way for me; he’s come through as an Ascended Master. He’s been encouraging me to speak my truth and embrace who I am without apology.
I’ve tried many times to invoke Jesus or Archangel Gabrielle for this, though Tupac seems to have found a way where I’m now like, “Yup, it’s time. Here I am world! I’m ready to be seen”. I wrote this in honour to this Divine Soul that has impacted my life in ways beyond belief. This is for you.
ODE TO PAC
You were there when no one else was; blasting out of my speakers in my childhood room.
Singing your lyrical rhymes to me.
I’d find myself crying; laughing; singing; dancing; sharing my heart with you.
You brought me through a world of emotion on side 1 of your tracks and then to another universe when I swapped over to disc 2.
You were an escape from this world I didn’t know how to handle.
You set my heart free.
Suburbia wasn’t kind to me.
I was a kid with big dreams and a big heart singing in the after school choir.
I wanted the grit and rawness you embodied and all I found was the shy choral voice I held back.
I wanted to be different, see different, feel different and there you were; offering me reprieve.
Showing me a different perspective on lands of which I never knew, yet felt a resonance within the emotion you brought though.
You spoke of the truth in which I knew so deeply down inside.
Your music hit straight to the soul of this little girl who felt she no longer could hide.
I cried every time I heard dear mama; still do.
It was through California Dreaming that led me to you.
R U Still Down? The ode to my soul.
You picked me up when I was down and offered resurrection.
You were an angel that came to be by my side; gifting me momentary relief.
There’s a power in your words that heal so true.
All I know is that in my heart; my 12 year old girl will be eternally grateful for you.
Who’s left a lasting impression on your heart?
I would love to know.
Here I am, making lunch in the kitchen and a get a flashback. A memory from when I was 12 came into my consciousness and I immediately felt shame.
SO MUCH SHAME.
I was at a Girl Guide Camp and I was making lunch. The girls on our site were helping out and I wanted to add mustard for some extra flavour. This one girl, came running over and was like “NO!! I hate mustard, please don’t add it, please please. I froze and was like, “This is how my Mom makes it at home, you can’t even taste it.” Her response, “Then why do you have to add it? Please don’t I hate it so much.” I was overcome by this weird space of the Do I, Don’t I dance.
I looked towards the other girls because I didn’t know how to formulate my desire to have it my way. I couldn’t process what to do in that moment. One girl said, “Add it”. That’s all that I needed; mustard in.
Now it may seem like a silly little memory, but what came up for me was the fact that I chose to not listen to someone’s request or find a work around. (Half with, half without?) .
I was cruel in my actions and intentions, and as an unrecovered food addict whose vice was her only way of processing feelings and emotions; that mustard took on quite the amount of power.
I knew what I was doing. I felt like I couldn’t stop myself and having someone ‘on my side’ made me feel like I was valid in my choice. I chose to deliberately hurt someone because my needs felt more important than hers. Classic bully technique.
Now I have done a ton of emotional work, yet it never ceases to amaze me when these memories come up just how crazy it is that I still feel the shame behind each one.
I can process what other’s have done to me with more ease, I look at it, make peace within myself, forgive and move on with my day. Though when I get flashbacks of the things I have done, I’m almost crippled by the pain and embarrassment of how I could have acted out in the ways that I have. It’s like I am living it again and feel this heaviness in my heart. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that the ostrich life is the life for me.
I was 12 years old. This was 20 years ago, and yet, here I am, replaying it over like it was yesterday. Insanity! Yet real.
Now I have a badass skill set in working through these emotions and processing my feelings for what comes up for me. Though I was thinking, if this still happens to me, with all the work I’ve done, with all the 4th step inventories and conscious dedication to living my life in a new way and I still am left feeling crippled in my kitchen when this memory emerged; What do other people do?
I have no idea! Do you ignore it? Push it down? Watch it and laugh at how silly you used to be? Honour it? Let it go? Or play it off like no big deal when you can still feel the sickness in the stomach…..
What do you do?
For me, I like to get clear on what I am really feeling shame over and go from there. I ask my Higher Power, Angels and Guides to help me have compassion for myself so I can let go of the charge with clarity. I made a mistake; I acted out of fear and I hurt someone because of it. I don’t tell myself that what I did way okay, because it wasn’t. Though I connect into the little girl within and am often reminded just how powerless she felt and how her world felt like an overwhelming mess with no end in sight. I take responsibility for my actions and know that if I were ever in this situation again, I would make a different choice.
That’s all I can do.
(and make amends to the person if it is appropriate to do so.)
I’ve learned that it’s better to deal with these things right away. If you let it linger, ignore the emotion and swallow it down; it can consume you and swallow you whole. Even if it’s emotional, it’s better to get the support you need to honour this aspect of your soul that has come up to be seen, heard and released.