I popped into my Mailchimp account to take a look around tonight. I haven’t sent out a newsletter in months and since I changed platforms; I haven’t given myself the time and space to learn how to use it.
So I went in, opened a saved template and saw the last email I wanted to send. The one that felt too vulnerable, too raw and too exposed, so I hid it and kept it in and didn’t go into my account again until today. I forgot it existed.
Reading over it, I get it. When you are deep into your emotional state it can feel overwhelming. You’re afraid of being judged, you’re afraid of losing love, and not wanting to people to see you as less than. You’re scared; wanting to protect your heart and doing whatever you have to, to protect your last shred of dignity.
Yet in all of that, at the end of the day, I didn’t send it because I cared more about what other people would think of me, than I thought of myself. I’ve spent my whole life holding back because I have been concerned about what other people think. I have conjured up excuses, held myself back from saying Yes when I wanted to and say No without regard. I have diminished who I am, over and over, at ‘the mercy of others’ because I valued them more than myself.
Reading this letter made me realise two things; a lot can happen in the span of a few months AND I’m rocking it!
Like Holy Moly Batman!
I forgot how earlier on this year I felt so overwhelmed; to the point of wanting to throw in the towel and give it all away. I couldn’t see a way out of my circumstances and cried (and cried, and cried). Grieving the life I knew I wanted to badly for myself, yet remaining stranded in the one I had. Spiralling down until once again; I hit bottom and knew something needed to change.
So here’s why I love the Akashic Records so much; I was able to get over my shit in the most compassionate, loving way possible. I hired a mentor that held me in sacred, nonjudgmental space and we uprooted old beliefs systems. I shed layers of guilt and shame and gave myself permission to let go of anything and everything that was holding me back.
Here I am 5 months later, reading this and feeling like I’ve done a 180.
Here’s the email I felt I couldn’t send. Who can relate?
“As you may have notice I didn’t show up last month and I need to take full responsibility for that. I completely burnt out and my body decided to shut down on me. Emotionally I was done, physically I was done and spiritually I was struggling with connecting into myself, my guides and my Higher Power.
I had a moment that I was in bed, crying and repeating I surrender, I give up. I surrendered the energy to resistance that I was trying to ignore. I surrendered to my emotions and what has been percolating under the surface and I surrendered to the fact that I have been ignoring my own internal pushes to show up to my life. The beauty of being in tune with your life is that you get to rock the shit out of it when you are in flow. The negative some would say is that if you ignore the inner guidance for too long, you don’t have as much spare time to ignore it. My guides stand for me now by showing me in full force what’s no longer working. I mean there is only so much time that I can sit on the couch watching Netflix and pretending that it’s for my mental health.
I had ignored my internal guidance to say yes to my own inner healing and stepping into the next level of my own life. I have been maintaining what has no longer been working and it has become more and more clear that I can’t just maintain what no longer serves. If I maintained the beauty then I would be happy for it, though if I maintain what I know I need to change it eats away at my sanity and I start to spiral down a rabbit hole I just have no desire to go back into it. It’s called resistance and it becomes a distraction and frankly I’m kind of bored of my cycles and habits that aren’t showing up. So if you are in a place where resistance is eating away at you and you feel powerless to change – you are not alone. ”
I wrote this is a group the other day and it still rings true.
“The power a day can hold; the power a week can transform; if we give ourselves the space, it doesn’t have to take long”.
Have a beautiful night everyone!