They always ask “How did you get into this work?”
You would think I would have a clear elevator pitch and the magic formula that brought me to where I am today presented in a nice 2 minute conversation.
The reality is a different story.
It has been a lifelong journey for me of losing myself,
finding my way back home and rising above.
Growing up I was always intuitive, freaking my friends out with ghost stories and having dreams and visions that would come forward, only to find out they were true. There was one dream that left a lasting impression that I will never forget and as a 7 year old it was way too much to handle. In my dream, I saw my Dad in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and attached to tubes. I had no context for this at all and though it was scary, I assumed it was just a nightmare.
A few months later my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and the first time I walked into his hospital room, it was like I was in slow motion living out my dream. It was an overwhelming realization, and worst of all – I thought I created this. I mean, I dreamt it, so it must have been me! I was too scared to tell anyone because I didn’t want to get in trouble.
That night I prayed to God to take my gifts from me.
As soon as I did, I felt it was a horrible mistake, though I was too scared to continue seeing in the way I was so I left it at that.
From that moment onwards, I felt separated, alone and scared to live in this world. I had lost something of great value and was left searching for something to fill that space at such a young age.
My journey with food and disordered eating started around the same time and little did I know it would become my lifelong struggle. At 8 years old I was already writing “How to lose weight books” and hated my body. I covered up in the baggiest clothes I could find and found myself comparing how ‘big I was’ to my friends. At 10 years old, there was a moment that I looked into my bedroom mirror and said, “I hate everything about you, but atleast you have a pretty face”. I dieted and yo-yo’d, always putting the weight back on. I felt disgusted with myself and was losing hope. I was overwhelmed with life and couldn’t get a grasp on why I was here. My self worth plummeted and I felt like a hollow shell trying to put on different masks to fit in while hiding who I really was.
It’s funny to me now that my intention was to fit in. My attempts at ‘being cool’ consisted of wearing candy necklaces, slinkies for bracelets and having a full head of luscious blue hair. As much I tried to pave my own path and hide under the radar, it all became too much and I was exhausted.
During grade 12 I completely broke down and seriously battled with the thought of taking my own life.
MY FIRST AWAKENING
After a failed suidcide attempt (which put me even further down into a spiral because “I couldn’t even get that right”), I worked my way through counsellors until I found a psychologist that I trusted and through our work together my life finally started getting sweeter.
I spent the next few years dedicated to work, travel and ‘loving life’. Hunting down boys, partying, travelling and overworking; I thought I was living the life of a Queen. At the time I couldn’t see that I was really just filling up every ounce of my time so I didn’t have to be alone with myself. While backpacking in Southeast Asia. I started noticing subtle nudges arise from both an immense sense of loneliness and an awakening curiosity for Buddhim and Spirituality.
On the surface, I was totally lost, self absorbed and oblivious to what was percolating deep down inside. I held on tight to a world I created in my mind that was wonderful and great and all the things I ever dreamed of. Though when this illusion finally came crashing down, I found myself in the same space I was in highschool. I felt like a stranger in a room full of people. I felt like all the work I did was erased. I was lost, hopeless and felt as though the world was closing in on me. Here I was left with all of my original pain, all of the hurt and wounding I had pushed far down in order not to feel. This sucked! How could this be possible? How can I be back here?
TIME TO RISE
I knew something needed to change this time around. In an act of desperation I said to the Universe, “I don’t know how, I don’t know what – but something needs to change or I’m not doing this anymore”. The Universe responded and it was faster than I ever could have imagined. The very next day an angel disguised as a friend, guided me to my first healer and it was the first time in a long time that I had felt that I was coming home. I didn’t know what to expect, though I showed up in full vulnerability because I couldn’t hide anymore. My first appointment I sobbed and cried and it felt as though my heart was breaking into a million pieces – in the most devastatingly magnificent way it possible. It was the first time I felt any sense of relief from the world I was too fearful to let go of. It was the first time I could lighten my load and not feel the shame about letting a piece go. That was the start of a 5 year journey with my first healer and dedicating myself to a fuller life.
As Layer after layer was shed, I felt lighter.
I started to see the beauty in the smallest things and I felt I was seeing life through rainbow coloured lenses. I met amazing friends and felt so grateful for how much my life had shifted. I was taking courses and not only created my practice I was expanding it and life felt amazing! Little did I know once again I would hit yet another bottom in my life. This time is was nothing I could have expected.
The more healing work I did, the more weight I was putting on. I was showing up to some areas of my life with such courage but still hiding from others. My relationship with food and my body I wasn’t even willing to look at. My journey down to my rock bottom continued at a slow and steady pace, but when I found myself there – my world crumbled.
I was sitting on my bedroom floor, surrounded by all my clothes, crying and hysterical because we had a friend’s birthday to go to and I had nothing to wear. In that moment I hated myself, truly, madly and deeply. My boyfriend picked me up off the floor, unsure how to even handle this broken mess of a woman and held me as I sobbed. This was not okay. He dusted me off, we found some clothes and I slapped on my award winning smile; it was as though nothing happened. We went into our night out both tramatized and a little unsteady of how to rise from this.
The moment we become conscious of our ‘faults’ can be overwhelming, though one thing becomes clear, we can no longer unsee them. No matter how hard we try to shove them back into the darkness, it’s just not possible. In this moment I also knew I had to do something different and I knew in my heart that I couldn’t do it through diet and exercise like I had in the past. At this time, another angel disguised as a friend, introduced me to my 12 step program and my world truly transformed from there.
A NEW CHAPTER
I was so scared to go back to the place I had been that I was willing to do whatever it took to keep moving forward. At times it felt like an uphill battle but in-between it all, I had my own support system through friends and healers who were there for me as I shed away the emotional layers.
Shortly after coming out of my ‘fog’, I started hearing voices and became more and more aware of the angels and their presence. (Which also had me questioning if I belonged in a mental institution! Hearing voices can feel a bit concerning if you don’t know where they’re coming from) I felt a connection reemerge with my Higher Power. I didn’t realize how angry I had been at ‘God’ for all the shit I had to go through in my life. I studied the angels and their traits and qualities and always found I was guided to the perfect books, podcasts and literatue when I was ready each and every time.
I became more and more excited to have this team of spiritual gangsters backing me up.
I finally felt safe, I finally felt I could trust myself and co-create a life I that I felt I deserved to live. I went from pleading with God to save me to claiming my space and gifts. This was new, exciting and scared the hell out of me – in a good way.
From this new space, I dove into areas I was curious about: Law of Attraction, Overcoming Addiction, How are thoughts shift our World and one of my personal favourites – The Akashic Records. My Reiki practice turned into Angelic Healing Sessions and I felt I was discovering the Angels, Ascended Masters and Guides in a whole new way.
My intuition ‘upleveled’ and I was bringing forward guidance in ways that I was never able to channel before. There was humour and play in areas that use to feel far too heavy. I could look at my life experiences with love instead of playing the victim card. I was seeing my life in a new light and all the choices I had once made from a place of compassion. I feel my feelings when they emerged and have discovered this profound trust that the One Infinite Allness of Life has my back.
My life has truly transformed in ways I never would have expected to be possible and I cannot express just how grateful I am to be living it. I know from my own personal journey that this process works. I know the dedication it takes to choose each and every day the habits and actions that create this new life. I have lived the transformation and continue to do so as the next layers appear when I’m ready. It gets easier, more manageable and could I dare say exciting? (YES! another belief system I can clear for more freedom! Ugly Cry turns to a Sob and release!) I am passionate about supporting others to step into their own lives and become and Active Participant within in it. You might not know what is to come on the other side and that’s absolutely okay.
What I can tell you, without a doubt, is that it is absolutely worth it.